I’m a few days behind in the May We All Heal – Share Your Grief Project. Once London Joy’s birthday hit on Wednesday, it has been a flurry of family nights to celebrate her little life. Furthermore, the recent prompts were super hard to think about when I was fighting to #celebrateeverything. Honestly, they are still hard; however, I thought that tonight I would tackle two prompts at once, isolation and triggers because for me, they go hand in hand.
Grief is so isolating. Day in and day out, I am learning to live a new normal. A normal that is unlike anything you have ever known and anything but normal. Suddenly, anything that once made sense no longer does. Family relationships suffer. Friendships falter. Marriages are tested and then there’s your relationship with God. I have found myself angry at my own mother at times simply because she has three living children, and I don’t. Those who love me best, I have held at arm’s length. I was afraid that if I let them in to love me, I will lose them as well.
My daddy said to me a few months back, “I feel like I didn’t just lose London, I lost you too.” Remembering those words still brings me to tears. At times, I have believed the lie that I am too broken to even have a healthy relationship with those I love fiercely.
In the early days of my grieving, going to the grocery store was a trigger, going to church was a trigger, going to work was a trigger, going to the doctor’s office was a trigger, even getting in my car to go anywhere was a trigger. Everywhere I looked there were reminders of the trauma I had experienced and what I was now missing. So I did what I knew how to do. I found a new grocery store, and I love it. We’ve started attending a new church. My job allowed me to alter my work schedule. I started counseling, and we bought a new car. I haven’t done these things to forget my sweet girl. I have done these things to protect my emotional and mental well-being. These were healthy changes, and I’ve learned how to incorporate bits of London Joy into each of these changes. It’s fun to find moments during the day that remind me of her.
For the month of May, I am choosing to take part in a project called “May We All Heal.” This project is a way to share your grief through sharing your story. For more information visit: http://grievingparents.net/may-we-all-heal/mwah2018/