Today is International Bereaved Mother’s Day; next week is Mother’s Day. That’s two days honoring motherhood, seven days apart, with my sweet London Joy’s birthday smack-dab in the middle.
I think one of the things that I struggle with as a bereaved mother is feeling as though my daughter will be forgotten. The fear that somehow the world will spin on and her life will just be a post or blog that someone once left a comment on. Honestly, it’s my biggest fear.
Yesterday, my beloved husband went to take pictures at a local March of Dimes event. They had a butterfly garden area for parents to write the name of their heaven-held baby. Our London Joy was the only name in the garden and they gave my husband a white lei to honor her life. It was so thoughtful. While he was there he took pictures of the different teams who had raised money. One of the top groups was named Little London. He was taking pictures of the family and had to get her attention, so he called her name, “London.” This precious little warrior, who has been through so much, not only shares our daughter’s name but her ginger hair color as well.
As he shared this with me last night, my heart was just crushed. The sadness and sorrow in his voice was so deep. Some days are just too big for words. I say London’s name every day. I try to talk about her or talk to her every day as well. It’s innate within me to protect her memory, to ensure that she lives on.
Today, we received our first birthday card for our precious “Sweet Pea.” I had forgotten that I had registered for the service, and it meant so much to open an envelope and to see her name and then read the handwritten note inside regarding her big, little life. I’m crying again just typing it, but I am so grateful.
This evening I got a text from a friend who I have known for basically his whole life. He and his wife just had a beautiful baby girl two weeks ago. He sent me pictures and a video of he and his wife releasing balloons, with a letter attached, to celebrate London’s birthday. He shared that he will be working the night shift this week, and he wanted to make sure she got her letter in time. You guys, how beautiful is that? These two, thoughtful, sleep deprived, new parents took the time to plan out a tribute to London Joy. Cue the tears again.
A few weeks ago, a friend sent me a picture of London Joy’s name written in the sand on a beach in Hawaii. She was just thinking of us and wanted to share. It was so out of the blue, but it came on the most needed day.
So today, on Bereaved Mother’s Day, when the prompt is mother, I want to say thank you. Thank you to each of you who reach out, whether by text, Instagram, Facebook message or comment. Thank you to those of you who send me verses and songs to let me know that my daughter and my motherhood are remembered. At times, I feel as though I am an invisible mother. I don’t have the pictures of the milestones or the messy house from chasing a wee one (although it is a mess, that’s another blog post), but you reach out and speak “mother” over me repeatedly.
I love you.
For the month of May, I am choosing to take part in a project called “May We All Heal.” This project is a way to share your grief through sharing your story. For more information visit: http://grievingparents.net/may-we-all-heal/mwah2018/